| i dunno if anyone ever reads this...and i dont really care one way or another. its funny...i havent checked this for over a year and just reading my last couple of entries was quite a shock. once upon a time i thought that things would never change...that people would stay the same no matter what happened and be true to who they are. what a load of crap. people change as easily and the friggin weather here in st. louis. nice and warm one day...and cold and viscious the next. i still want to believe in people and hold to my eternally optimistic ways but it gets harder each day that life (well thats not fair...its mainly one or two people but they used to be my life until a few short weeks ago so it seems like its life in general) smacks me in teh face...thankfully not literally though somedays its hard to tell.
i want things to go back to teh way they were...before heartbreak became a reality and an almost constant part of my life. the days when curling up in a warm bed wiht a comfy blanket were all you needed to be happy. when milk and cookies brought good dreams rather than worrying that eating before goign to bed was going to make you fat. when running around was fun instead of being a daily chore that you used to do until you started telling urself that you woudl start tomorrow and then a couple years go by adn u've never gone to teh gym and ur afraid to go out running because people will make fun of you. when i could play duck hunt for hours and not wonder if i should be networking, or doign homework, or trying to make myself even better on a single sheet of paper that most people will throwaway because i'm not exactly what they want even though they keep sayign they have no profile. when finals were just another test rather than the prime determinant of three months worth of effort. when 5 bucks a week from teh parentals was enough to keep you in good social standing. the days where happiness was easy and sadness a myth that visited once in a while but didnt really ever stay.
but whats done is done. can't go back...only way to go is forward. pain lets you know you're alive...up to teh point when you wish you were dead...adn then you think about all those that are dead and then maybe its not so bad after all. but does it really matter? is one person goign to really cahnge the world...as a consultant, accountant, lawyer, doctor, financial analyst, writer, reader, seller, buyer, stud, slut, fuck up, genius, CEO, CPA, DOA, SEO, DEAD? why is that there are programs called university of dreams that place you as a grunt in giants such as jp morgan, morgan stanley, ernst and young, kpmg, pwc? when did anyone dream of being a certified number cruncher who works 80-100 hours a week and keeps telling himself that one day in the future they can relax and enjoy life...that sacrificing the first few years out of college was worth the money because there will be time to enjoy it later? when did money become so important...i used to think that you couldn't buy happiness...but then there was mastercard and i was told otherwise. how is it that hate has become teh constant companion to love? is it really true that love must be purchased at teh sacrifice of others? is it even worth it anymore? i have to believe it is...that love can be pure and lasting...that money isnt the be all and end all of a businessman's life...that there are challenges beyond trying to survive...that when i die there will have been a point to my life...even if its just bringing a smile to someone's face once a day.
for the first time in my life...i actually really want to go to mass
its strange how doing something in public...even something as dubious as this can invoke a catharsis in a person...i think i understand why my mom advocates church...its not that u can't pray by urself...its that being with others is something that you cant live without...and no matter what...the church endures despite its flaws and the joy society takes in exploiting them
love exists...its out there...find it |
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| so i still have no idea what i'm doing but i'm going to keep goign to classes and hopefully get decent grades in order to buy myself time to figure it out. not that i'm thinking i will figure it out but there is always hope.
so this week was both good and bad. started pretty badly cause i had an intermediate financial accounting test on monday...so i skipped classes on monday to study for that...and a tax law accounting test and i skipped class on tuesday to study for that. not the best of things skipping that much class but i needed to study more. then i found out i pretty much failed my managerial accounting test which i didnt study for and was exhausted when i took it cause i was up till like 4 or 5 am and i had a global econ test right before managerial at 10.
but then the week got better cause jen got my mcdonald's to cheer me up...i had been talking bout eating mickey Ds for a while cause i hadnt had it for ages. so that was good...plus i definitely think i'm falling in love with her so just seeing her made me happy.
so little update on the jen situation for those who care...if anyone still reads this cause i only update like every 2 wks if that. we've been dating for abouta week and a half officially now...its been going pretty fast and we're going to have to slow down otherwise i will fail all my classes. but its amazing and i dont know what my life would be without her. i apologize if i made anyone barf from the sappiness of that but i'm a romantic and thats what words come to mind.
now if i can only figure out how to fix things with leah...i saw an away msg of hers a few days ago and it hurt surprisingly a lot. i want to talk to her but i dont know what to say...help anyone? |
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| so...what am i doing? to be honest no idea...i was going over my classes and major choices in my head and i realized i really dont have any real interest in being a corporate accountant or finance guy. basically my third major...entrepreneurship...is where i want to go. but i cant do that straight off cause i need capital not to mention figuring out the legal aspects of that. only time i ever wished i was american cause then it woudl be so much simpler. i apparently cant own a business thats not washU affiliated cause i'm not a citizen...but i'm still setting one up and trusting my partners wont screw me over...even if they do its still a good learning experience but i would be pissed off if i didnt get anything other than knowledge from this venture.
the second part that causes me to wonder what i'm doing...a girl named jen...who i think i may be in love with...which is scary cause the only other time i think i was in love it was painful as hell when it ended...or at the very least we're in a big ass canyon or something. anyways...i've gotta figure out where i'm going with her and shes gotta figure out if shes coming too. so more on that later when things come a little clearer. |
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| FUCK!
sorry...i apologize for the swearing...my life is going pretty good cept for one part. and it figures that part is like one of the biggest chunks. leah...thats my best friend...or at least she used to be my best friend...is hurt bad and there is nothing i can do about it. i cant even go visit her cause i dotn have the time or resources to get there...not to mention my parentals would flip if i told them i was skipping class. leah's going to be okay but i cant stand the thought of her being hurt and me being helpless...though thats happening more than i like these days.
we have been fighting the last couple of months and its just been getting worse. its pretty much gone tot eh point we cant talk to each other. its become more thats its too painful to be reminded of how things used to be...and maybe its simpler just to try and erase the reminders of teh other person. but the problem is that she was so much a part of my life i cant erase it...no matter how i try i cant forget this girl. so basically its screwed up and i dont know how to fix it. |
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| yeah park 4!
so i decided to go meet more people on my floor...which i did by following the sound of drunkeness and frying bacon. met a couple of sophmores who are pretty cool and also are willing to provide free alcohol. so a good deal altogether...not sure i can keep up with them but i'll bring along ray to help out. for a small azn man he apparently can drink a hella lot. \
anyways...orientation is pretty much over so more free time to chill with friends. though classes start in two days...and i'll be 19 on the 1st too so its both good and bad.
thats my life for the last two days...and now sleep...finally
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